We Just Want Your Moneys

Its a strange place to understand the logical explanation behind the illogical premise of the "customer service" at the bank.

Bear in mind my love for banks is at an all-time low due to an on-going struggle with Wells Fargo that ends with a 30 minute call to their call center (which I'm pleased to announce has English-first speaking individuals) about a $12 fee that gets tacked on to my Super-Wonderful-Get-12 Cents-More-In-Interest checking account that the slick banker told me would cause no issues transferring to this "higher" tier of service. That's been going on for eight months with a new explaination each month TAKE SOME CALL NOTES YOU DOLTS.

Yesterday after working 11 hours I rushed over to US Bank before closing to get their signature on an insurance check which I would then turn around and sign over to the contractor that did an awesome job putting up new siding on the abode (picture coming soon after the wife picks up the new lighting).

Easy right? Its not your money, sign it off and away I go back to my bank.

Not so fast pal.

"What was this for"

"Hail damage, I need to get this to the contractor to pay off the remainder of his invoice"

"Where's the proof of work and insurance estimates"

/points to easily seen stack of papers neatly stacked behind the check along with signed invoice of work completed by contractor

He tries looking important while re-reading the papers for the next five minutes...

"I need to make a call"

Dials phone to some office.

"They need some forms filled out, I'll be right back"

Meanwhile my patience level went from complacent to annoyed that the waitress gave me the wrong drink.

He returns with four well-used forms, two of them look like Ad-Libs that I'm hoping he'll let me use to return the favor of this annoyance.

"We need to fill all these out"

Take five to seven minute to fill out forms, consider five rapid knees to the head but see adorable picture of daughter and wife behind him, decide to dream of free Cap'n Cokes and fake 36D's at a strip club instead.

"One moment"

This is now twenty minutes into something that should have taken about 15 seconds.

Comes back with spiffy self-important guy who judging by his dress and handshake enjoys pantsless parasailing and all night Bette Midler movie-a-thons while snacking on bon-bons.

He tries to be cordial, I attempt the same but feel a rage like I didn't get my extra Arby sauce packet again. He tries the same shuffling of the papers for five minutes then looks up.

"We need to wait until the head office is able to review these forms and may require an inspection of the home, notary signature from the contractor, your tax forms for the past 10 years, blood and semen sample, and proof that you know how to play Badugi"

/jaw drops

"Ok, this check is made out to me, tell me again why I need to jump thru all these hoops just so the contractor can get paid?"

He attempts to mumble some apologetic line from the employee handbook.

"Fine call me tomorrow"

I take leave before dropping the file cabinet on his Homer Simpson-sized head, fuming that I just wasted nearly an hour intangled in the bank's red tape.

For the record, I understand the need to protect assets. US Bank holds my mortgage (currently) but what I don't get is why the hell would they care what happens to the house as long as I'm making payments on time on the debt?

Its paperwork for nothing, an attempt to make someone at their home office feel important and have gainful employement because even if I was in cahoots with the contractor to bilk the insurance company out of money for a job never done (which 100% isn't true) they shouldn't care what shape the house is in as long as I'm paying down the debt ON TIME. There is no reason to believe I'm a financial risk besides the fact that I'm prone to overplaying AAXX at the $100 NLO8 tables.

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Aside from that waste of time, there's golf and waterparks in my future as we travel up north this weekend to see my father's side of the family. Six brothers and plenty of cousins my age to sit around a lake-side cabin with cold drinks and homecooked food with my musician cousin strumming out tunes.

Perfect.

WSOP Main Event Semi-Reading Guide

Let's play link-o-rama today shall we? After all tis the season for poker players, bloggers, and degenerates as the World Series of Poker nears its conclusion having blown through 4,000+ players who plunked down the $10,000 for the Main Event.

At least those who were smart enough not to rush for the last helicopter out of Saigon, or finally taking the last past-her-prime stripper on the floor up to the VIP room at 9am before the brunch buffet was spread the next day after blowing thru your recent tournament score.

- Dr. Pauly's brand of tournament reporting fills the needs of the five degenerate senses on top of solid up to date live happenings around Rio not just inside the den of purified beef jerky meat being grinded out with every "ALL IN AND A CALL". Even if you've walked the hallowed ground of poker heaven and sloshed your feet in the pools of donkey blood left there yearly, Pauly finds the new story then like something from those Final Destination movies, you know the characters are going to die, just not how.

- PokerStarsBlog with Otis, Bartley, and Howard Swains tilt the coverage towards the namesakes site, but provide enough ambience of the tournament you can get the updates on your favorite Team PokerStars Pro and not feel like they're rushing out to get the corporate logo emblazed on their lower backs. Not to mention some kick ass photos of the different pros in their natural environment.

- LasVegasVegas Blog speaking of WSOP photos... Flipchip is the authority on such things, do yourself a favor and gaze into his lens pointed out onto the tournament floor. Especially look for the yummy female pics like one of Shannon Elizabeth who survived the first wall of players and made it to Day 2

- Pokerati with a disappointingly lack of Dan M's pink shirt reports is still managing to provide a double-take of outside/inside reports around the Amazon room including rounding up the Day 1D debacle that left several "name" pros with $10K in their hands and nothing but a video poker machine at the Hooker bar to play. The pros could always hit a few quads then hop over to media row and tilt a few scribes with a brag instead of the steady stream of foul bad beat stories they're used to.

- Poker From the Rail it's Al, it's Full Tilt. The mashing of a huge online poker site and the walking Mardi Gras parade spells fun for the readers at home. Pictures and updates on donkeys like Ivey, Harman, Jesus, and Lederer make you proud that you spent those 25,000 FTP points on the jersey with your name on it.

- Bill Rini He of course is NOT at the WSOP but is pumping out information from Thailand about the online poker world that is a must read for anyone serious about the direction of the industry. While I hope sometime soon I'll be able to hand him a pint, I'll settle for pimping a couple of his projects.

Rakeback Report

Poker Jobs

- Mean Gene at UB UltimateBet's blog as Gene covers the next Hellmuthion meltdown but with fine photography as the one-man show covers the donkeys and pros alike from the site trying to gain some positive feedback in light of last year's major cheating scandal.

- PokerNews no introduction needed here. Go to watch the live reporting coverage and use the tweeter-like message board to hit up a scribe to possibly get John Frend's chip count out on Table 143 behind electronic Roulette table.


Good luck to all my friends, and make it safely home after rinsing that donkey blood and those purid bad beat stories off you. Or my suggestion is to have one of those beyond hot white shirt wearing massages while banging out a story for the guy who busted with quads over quads in 2,365th place.

Redemption of Skill or Fate of Luck

Now that the alcohol has run its course and sufficient bodily rest occurring it was time to sit down with Sportscenter running in the background to write down a few paragraphs about the first Vegas trip that ended with more money than I left Charles Lindbergh International Airport with last week.

This was supposed to be a trip to reconnect with friends spread across this land of the brave who come together once a year to chronicle a month long festival of poker degeneracy in their unique voices for those at home who cannot join the carnival themselves. They put you at the final table, in the bathroom, in the middle of a juicy cash Pot Limit Omaha game and occasionally jump into the fray themselves to show some poker chops behind the pen.

A trip to reconnect with my wife, trying to strengthen a marriage that has seen much and not received the attention needed. Of course, she was in Vegas for work reasons so this did not pan out as much as both of us wanted. We settled for enjoying our time in bits and pieces: a dinner at PF Changs, a decent variety show at Planet Hollywood, hitting up the penny slots, or the best pool/beach I’ve been to in Vegas at Mandalay Bay.

The highlight will be the trip downtown to Freemont Street where dreams of Vegas past are illuminated for a few minutes every hour during a free song and light show that doesn’t suck. Lower limits and lower expectations are found along this stretch of casinos that have done well in carving out a marketing plan to keep the coupon toting crowd coming back for more 99 cent fried Twinkies and afternoon shift strippers at the Glitter Glitch.

My Vegas dream started with the Las Vegas Monorail ride from MGM Grand to Sahara with $160 earmarked for the Binions Poker Classic Event #38 Limit Omaha 8 or Better (listed as NLHE but we know I wouldn't play that) event starting at 2pm. Due to my ten cent head, I walked from the Sahara to the Stratosphere for a cab ride since I had forgotten about the $2 bus ride that would have saved me some time in the dry 106 degree heat.

After arriving at the birthplace of the World Series of Poker, and handing over a good amount of money left in my wallet thanks to a cranky ATM machine there was a wait for CK to leave the boys at the Wynn cash game to join me so I sat down at a dime keno machine to channel my inner PKP Neil Fontenot by throwing down an American dollar and hitting nothing, but threw in second dollar and bounced around with it until my last solidarity dime hit six out of six for $160.00 meaning the tourney was a freeroll!

For the first eight hours of the tourney I spent my time chatting with a couple of locals about the dangers of ice fishing at 30 below, my choice of alcoholic beverage which they noticed came by far too often, and enjoying a leisurely live game of O8 that I don’t get to indulge in very often. My stack was the table leader by far after five hours, but my cooler wife walked in and I managed to lose the next three hands I played but still retained the table lead and was around the par stack after the dinner break. Looking up I could see CK was doing well for herself, plugged into serious poker mode yet remembering to shoot the boys a smile hidden with meaning. “Yes, I will be taking your chips soon”.

After I rinsed out the horrible Benny Binion hot dog with a few Captain and Cokes, three tables were left and I was moved to the left of the chipleader for a spell. Nothing significant happened except learning he was from Minnesota and moved out to California while my stack stayed the same thanks to a crap board hitting my big blind special. Once into the money the fun stopped.

There was a new table coach in the form of a green shirt sporting blob that once taught Phil Ivey a thing or two about split games. There was no stopping this douchebag’s runaway train of filth, spilling a cargo load of insults on good natured players who were either having fun, or hey there seems to be seven grand we’re playing for! I was in the fun boat having blown through my twenty singles nearing the twelfth hour of the tourney and starting to feel tired or the after-effects of that rat meat in a sausage casing. Having the table covered with authority this waste of oxygen managed to blow through so many penalties he didn’t play a hand for nearly two hours and still would end up chopping.

I was pissed because he managed to kill my well-labored buzz and having to turn off my hearing aids wasn’t helping. Nor was his harpy wife who had missed her clonazepam dose and shock treatment down at the dollar store back room pharmacy, she managed to catch the ire of the brush and also had to take a break away from the table while clutching some assortment of crinkled Fed-Ex wrapped papers like they were a sick child.

Were we playing poker? Ah, yes. Somehow I missed a bunch of draws and found myself down to a small blind with 14 or 15 left. Won the hand all-in preflop. Next hand all-in again, tripled up. Three hands later, doubled up again after calling a raise and forced someone off their hand with just one bet behind while the other table people dropped like recent celebrities. With five big blinds, I watched a lady with many years of poker under belt lose the last of her chips as the final table was announced!

FREE FUCKIN HAT!!! I love swag more than money, and was very excited to win it due to my very short stack I wasn’t looking to make more than the bottom money anyway.

But I did.

Caught a strong double suited A-3-X-X in the big blind with someone raising into me, doubled up. Very next hand catch A-2-6-K double suited, someone raised into my small blind, doubled up again to go from shorty to mid-stack in short order. Meanwhile places 10th, 9th, and 8th took leave to set up the reason why I chopped third place.

Folded around to CK on the button she raised as I looked down at a very welcome A-A-4-8 all red. I three-bet as CK elected to call with the flop coming down T-8-2, I bet she calls. Turned 3 gave me the nut low, so I bet as she raised, and the rest of my stack went into the middle turning over the black aces good for ¼ of the pot until…

… river 5

Runner-runner wheel scooped the pot from the friend I did not want to beat. Shortly after she would bust holding all crubs and I was forced to make a few bluffs due to the cards turning ice cold. The doucherocket returned to the table and immediately took a pot or two to salvage a few chips as we headed into the break, 25K/50K blind level coming back with me only holding three big blinds and in third place. Since the crew of Otis, Mean Gene, F-Train, and the walking party himself AlCantHang dropped in I tried to play the part of serious poker player but couldn’t help but smile seeing my friends travel downtown in the wee hours of the morning after their hard workday at the Rio.

Double fisting drinks with Al during the break, chatting about non-poker things we headed back to the elevated final table to find four anxious players awaited the Joe Mauer draped player to return.

“Do you want to chop?”

Having just three big blinds it made sense to me, but as the TD wrote down the stacks even the big stack only had 10 and we were left to playing Casino War for differences in the thousands. Even the deep-throating tampon was in for the chop, doing a 180 from prior requests.

$4,900 for 1st, $4,300 for 2nd, $3,270 for 3rd-5th, as I sat in third in chips.

But wait there’s a jacket for the winner! Oh man. Torn between my love of stitched garments to be worn at the gym and the biggest cash ever for this low roller, Al was the voice of reason and told me to take the money, stop being an idiot, and stop scaring them.

With the chop in hand with a glob of chips the crew reconvened at the bar for a couple round of celebratory drinks as the amount of 100s laid out was for once for me. We would head to the Gold Coast for a continuation of my luck, that’s a story for another time.

(I'm hoping the guys with their camera phones have a few pictures as my 90s style phone can hardly handle text messages)

From PokerPages the official results.

Hey, I have my own ranking!

Oh, Is That Money For Me?

Spam blog? WTF.

I may compose dreck here most of the time, but that's a little way fetched to call this a spam blog. Hopefully the all-mighty Google powers will see the same.

Glad I had to get online for some business or this writing haven would have gone the way of Billy Mays and Michael Jackson this week.

As for the business, I'm shipping Tuscaloosa Johnny his cut of the money I won at the Binion's Poker Classic. If you perspective how much Johhny made, add in that the beautiful and deadly CK made the final table as well (I'll expound on the severe Bayne roaching I did late in the tourney to get to the 5-way chop for first), Johnny unofficially made 14th place money out of 210.

Not a bad day.

As I told the rail of Otis, Al, Mean Gene, and F-Train who came out in the wee hours of the morning just to see a wide-eyed surburban hick make his biggest cash in any kind of gambling. "Oh wow".

My babbling went on for several hours washed down by a multitude of Cap'n Cokes and Greyhounds while they cooled me down at the Gold Coast afterwards (the cards did not cool, again a story for another time) and smiles that a peppy cheerleader would have envied. I only hope those mentioned understood just how out-of-body it felt (and I still haven't composed myself) to chop up that cash.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to grab a McGriddle then join my wife at the pool to stare at some pretty people and perhaps not worry about the price tag on those poolside drinks for once ;)

Drizz vs. Gravity: Who Wins?

If you want to see Drizz vs. Sobriety, I suggest you be near the Amazon Room on Sunday night after my write ups of the Battle of the Planets and $1 Million Turbo Takedown promotions at PokerStars for the PokerStarsBlog are in.

Yes, that's another brag that I'll be in VEGAS!!

If you want to see two top notched pros battle it out in a re-match of last year's WSOP Main Event heads-up play, see Falstaff's write up of the event here. Details of the event below.


2008 WORLD CHAMPION PETER EASTGATE AND
RUNNER-UP IVAN DEMIDOV TO STAGE UNIQUE, HISTORIC RE-MATCH

ISLE OF MAN, UK, JUNE 23, 2009 – World Series of Poker Main Event champion and Team PokerStars Pro Peter Eastgate is to take on his 2008 opponent - fellow team member Ivan Demidov, in a unique heads-up charity tournament held online at PokerStars.

When the two first clashed last November, there was over $9 million in prize money at stake, and the match took well over 15 hours, the longest Main Event heads-up match in WSOP history.

Now, only days before the 2009 Main Event kicks off, the two will face-off against each other again, but this time they’ll be slugging it out for charity.

The match takes place on PokerStars, June 26 at 18:00 ET, and will replicate the exact same circumstances under which the two pros played in 2008. Eastgate, from Odense in Denmark, will start with 80,300,000 in chips, while Demidov from Moscow, Russia will start with 56,600,000. The blinds will be set at 120,000 / 240,000, with a 30,000 running ante.
In the 2008 final, Demidov managed to snatch the chip lead early on, but lost it again when his jack-high was beaten by Eastgate’s queen-high. The action then reached Level 39, with a big blind of one million chips - the biggest blind level in the history of the WSOP. Demidov never recovered the chip lead, and after 15 hours and 39 minutes of play, Eastgate was crowned the youngest ever world champion.

The two pros are excited about the re-match, which will see $10,000 go to one of their chosen charities. Eastgate is playing for the Danish Refugee Council and Demidov is playing for The Hospice Charity Fund “Vera” INN.

This is the first time that a major live contest like the WSOP final has ever been “re-played” on PokerStars, and is likely to prove a huge draw. PokerStars players can watch the match live on the PokerStars client.

For more information please email press@pokerstars.com

About www.pokerstars.net:

PokerStars is the world’s largest poker room with over 23 million members worldwide, and more free-to-play tables than any other site. At PokerStars.net players learn how to play, and practice poker skills for free. As the premier destination for the top players, with numerous tournaments running every day, PokerStars is renowned for offering the best software and security in the online poker world.

PokerStars:
Has dealt over 29 billion hands
Has run more than 170 million poker tournaments
Has entered the Guinness Book of World Records for holding the largest online poker tournament - 35,000 players
Have had over 265,000 simultaneous players, and entered the Guinness Book of World Records as the first and only poker website to reach the 200,000 simultaneous players mark

PokerStars is the official sponsor of the: European Poker Tour (www.ept.com), PokerStars Caribbean Adventure, Latin American Poker Tour (www.lapt.com), Asia Pacific Poker Tour (www.appt.com) and The World Cup of Poker.
PokerStars is the home of Team PokerStars Pro, a group of over 30 veteran and up-and-coming players from around the world who play online at PokerStars and are sponsored by the site in international tournaments around the world. For more information please visit www.pokerstars.net.

Corner Kick from Vegas

I don't consider myself but a very causal fan of USA Soccer but after reading Speaker's pre-game take of the Spain vs. US match one could see a similarity between this match and one played at Lake Plaid in 1980.

Except for things like communism, Red Scare, pierogies (which are freakin good, I suggest going to 3 Squares near my house, ask for the steak and pierogie platter) and lingering cold war.

Could this match be USA Soccer Miracle On Ice the Pitch? Will the legions of orange slicing soccer moms unleash the mini-van horde upon the football/baseball/basketball loving US public enough so a win this big isn't over shadow'd by things like Shaq's trade to Cleveland or Carl Kahn's Horseshoe Pitching championship on ESPN?

Sadly no. In fact if Brett Favre left his lawn cut just one inch too high, you can bet Erin Andrews would be down on all fours with a ruler saying this just isn't right (much like in your dream), and the soccer victory would end up being some ESPN7 sound bite to be played after the 2005 WSOP Main Event re-run at midnight AUSSIE AUSSIE OY!.

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Its three days to touch down in Vegas. Either I'm so wired about it I can't think, or I'm dreading it.

Me and the wife (not The Wife as she is hosting a gathering/poker tourney this weekend that people would have the means or proximity should must attend) have not had great times in my favorite vacation spot for several years. One could blame a multitude of things like me getting stupid drunk after an arguement, or having an irritable five old with us,. But our ideas of fun in the city of sin just don't mesh very well leaving only the raging solo times of slinging low stakes poker and Pai Gow with random 15 minute table game friends as fun times.

There is Tuesday to look forward to as myself and a couple of other degenerates will unleash the fury to bust some rocks down at Binion's for their poker series. Omaha eight-or-better will be the game, my hopes we can all go down as a group and maybe pick off a win for the online scribes after such a strong showing at the WSOP thus far. Congrats to sprstoner, CK, and LJ on their big cashes!

Yes, there's shows, restaurants, and the pool to show my new half-way never getting there fitness filled skeleton now with less muffin top! Vegas to me is rinsing off the stressors of everyday life, losing a couple of bucks while shouting for Xiong to spread a ten high Pai Gow as your next lost count of Cap'n Cokes hits the plastic cup holder next to your wave of green and red chips (may be black, purple, and gold for the higher rollers who read here). Its laughing a little too loudly at the Freddy Mercury impersonator and singing Bicycle Race off key but your tiny little rum-soaked brain thinks you belong at on stage at Wembley Stadium.

Its hitting up a strip club, watching acrobatic phenoms slither in sexual ways, or tasting a steak made by chef you'd see on TV. Just letting go for 96 hours.

Think its our turn to get lucky? I hope so.

See some of you on Sunday night.

It's KFavre!

Weekly dose of Favre crazy: KFavre! Yes, you can get all your Favre-tastic radio information outside of John Madden's bowel movements now!

Its a mirror site of the official home of the Minnesota Vikings: KFAN, which as of this moment is 100% Favre-free, but according to a Fargo website and Reebok that may be changing soon...

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The attemps to cram in as many activities for the past month will continue its familygasm ways for the next two months. Father's day was spent recovering from the night before thanks to friends who were kind enough to help with the rigorous liver training necessary to survive a trip to Vegas with certain WSOP media row degenerates currently several weeks into their alternate reality.

As for poker play, there was Friday night that was spent low rolling the 180 man tourneys on Stars (one cash, one not-so-much), then another final table in a 90 man SnG on Full Tilt where I rolled up a final table short stack into a runner up check. Other than that, nothing. No quicky cash games or SnGs before bed, no watching the 2008 WSOP on ESPN, just earning cash for the summer cushion fund when things get tight around the house since my wife takes a deep pay cut over the summer.

PokerStarsBlog pimp here: Sunday Warm-up recap and Sunday Million recap

Thus the reason for one fitful hour of sleep yesterday as random internet player got lucky for 10 hours straight and finished off a quick heads-up game around 3:00am, brushed up the webpage and recap at 3:30am, my shower started at 4:30am and by 6:00am it was back to the corporate grind with a thank you trinket sitting on my desk for assisting with the ways of Microsoft Access (I'm a green belt g33k on the side). Sobe Energy was liquid gold to keep my half fitness molded body upright to slay spreadsheets and debits with the fury of a cracked out Rio hooker bar regular that just found out she was paid with tournament chips versus the proceeds of rolling five straight points during the dinner break.

Yes, getting in shape have seeped into my daily routine. Not to the point of running marathons or 10Ks under 30 minutes, but to the point where working all-night does not cause walls to get in my way while breathing and walking at the same time increase in difficulty. Losing weight is not something in my gym itinerary as redistributing that weight would suffice. Also, playing softball at the speed I grew accustom to during the days before children, responsiblity, and the choice to pour out my thoughts onto these pages.

I am not, nor will I become a health-nut or start chewing on the bark of the willow tree for breakfast nutrients but sweating with 40 women in a group aerobics class three days a week seems like a win-win situation especially as you watch the mother of your children slim herself back into the body of the three sport athlete and smile a little more due to it.

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Parenting question

Situation: Its Father's Day, you receive a freshly cooked breakfast with yummy cooked meats scrambled into eggs and cheese. You go shopping with the family troupe throughout the day and end up at your brother's place for grilled animals on buns. Relaxed on a the laz-e-boy your beautiful three year old with questionable bowel control proclaims an emergency. Your wife decided to break your day-long calm bubble by directing you to get her to the toilet before Dora the Explorer and Boots find a chocolate log in their way to Papa's Party.

Despite frantic efforts you do not succeed, instead a nice Mounds bar surprise plops out causing a mess. Pointing and laughing occur behind you of course.

How do you react?